The things we do in life

As of right now my mind is filled with dark and brooding thought that I wish I weren’t there. I guess I’m a believer in a cinderella wanna be fantasy tale. But that is not what my thought is in. Sometimes that it will happen, but the fact is a fantasy tale stays as fantasy. I just hope that good people have good ending. But I don’t hope for it anymore. I think happy ending story is just too much bull shit. the world is unfair. the only way to make it fair is to have much power. Friendship is bullshit. friends are there when they want something from you. That is just my dark and brooding thought. What I want is revenge. not forgiveness.

I once ask my od friend. ” Why do you hate me so when we are kids?” He said “It is because you exist” I don’t really like the answer. I’ve never harm anyone, in my entire life here a person told me that he doesn’t like me because I exist. Some of my peers agree. The fact is I don’t have a lot of friends, and I don’t have a girlfriend either. Sometimes I think instead of being “heroes” people are destined to be “villain” just because the environment told him that he is a villain. I lead a quite unfair life. I told my self hundreds of times that I should forgive people because I’m a follower of christ. well that is not my true nature. What I want is blood, and vengeace for those who has wronged me. That is what I want. That is what I am. so no matter how long, how far, I will patiently wait until that particular moment arrive. Because I’m a lone wolf who has been badly beaten by “friends” and “girlfriends”. And I’m thirst for blood. so far the only thing that stopping me is God, but I really can’t take it anymore. may be God should stay aside and watch, since God is good at doing nothing anyway.

That’s a lie. It should say good guys never finish. We are definately being brain wash by movies, society, and philosophy telling us that we should become “heroes”. If you are up to the task then be a good guys, but I’m telling you there is no reward in it. “May be there is a reward” yeah when we are dead.

Have you ever caught a rapist? well I have. It’s just a big pain in the butt being stamp as heroes. While restraining the rapist. the victim crying and angryly beat us up. yup me and the “rapist”. I still remember she spit on my face. may be no pun intended. Screaming all man are bad. Crying. and more beating. “HELLO?” is anybody home? who is doing the restraining? I’m not considered a man? I was saving her and what does she repay it with. more beating and spitting. of course it just happen the rapist is next to me. Is not like everyday we go around with a handy rope expecting rapist. After the police came he said “GOOD JOB CITIZEN” please put your name, your address, and phone number. We need you to be witness. What the hell. Getting beat up by girls, spit on, and the next thing is I have to appear in court and testify pointing to the “rapist” and let him rot on jail of for like 4 years and may be after he came out and decided to go after me for a revenge? And all this because I have a moral value to uphold. right?

In a relationship why is it always the bad guys get the woman? And why women always fall for the bad guys? Actually woman liked being cheated by bad men. Then they have the opinion all men are bad. Bad men are expert liars, they always tell women what they would like to hear, good man are honest and stupid, They always tell everything as it is so that they came out boring. That is the truth. don’t say there are no good man out there, so don’t come to conclusion that all men are bad. Women just liked being lied upon.  As for good guys they sometimes finish last. sometimes they don’t even finish at all that is the fact. So ask ourselves why the divorce rate is 50% in the states and here in indonesia? 33%, it’s actually increasing.

Why more and more bad people out there because bad people breed more bad people. Fact? well here is a good example. Monks are probably one of the few good guys, do they have children? NO. they don’t even get married. Criminal on the other hand usually end up with a lot of children. so which is more in the world good people or bad?

Fact is heroes don’t get paid, they don’t get a dime, usually end up very poor. villains usually end up with millions of dollar if they get a way with it. in a corrupt country there is no justice. that’s why being a good guys is like sentecing ourselves to extinction. Then again it is still a choice. that is freewill it’s all about. Will I do what I do? May be because it is me that I’ll do it all over again. I also caught a thief that stole the police jacket a few days back. I’m not even the police. is there money in it? absolutely not.

Hidup tuh selalu begitu. selalu ada orang orang yang nyebelin. sampe sampe gw pikir kadang Tuhan tuh agak gila. kenapa harus nyediain orang orang model begitu di dunia ini. mungkin kalau nga begitu dunia nga rame. ok deh gw terima. Tapi kenapa orang orang bajingan itu selalu ngajak ributnya gw? dari SD ada yang begitu, SMP juga begitu, SMA juga begitu. di uni sih mungkin nga ada tapi gw juga nga di indo. begitu gw balik lagi. eh sialan di bisnis orang orang type bajingan mulai ada lagi. Apa ini gara gara indonesia? nga habis pikir. bisnis tuh gentleman dikit. hutang bayar, jangan maunya nipu terus. Untung juga gw udah antisipasi kepret kepret ini jadi harga gw mahalin.  kalau nga bisa rugi nih. Gw juga kan harus bayar koruptor koruptor negara ini yang tiap hari kerjanya minta pungutan ini itu. kalau nga untung gimana hidup? Kadang gw pikir pantes aja orang orang pada jadi mafia. Pada nga mau di tipu kali. tipu babatnya kasar kalau mereka. lah kalau kita? Masa tiap kali musti berserah sama tuhan? Ada ada aja nih manusia.

When it comes to problem most of us goes to biting finger, eating, sleeping, exercising. pretending that the world around us doesn’t exist. well i guess a lot of people got calm down when they eat a piece of chocolate bar. it’s not healthy, but it serves its own purpose. I guess a gallon of ice cream do the same thing, but of course after ward you will have fat and weight problem to worry about. *shrug* who cares, at the moment eat a candy barrrrrrrrr. Let’s eat!

Something in me is definately broken. I don’t know what. I don’t know how to fix it. It’s like I have this enormous feeling that I just can’t stop it. I’m angry all the time, sad all the time. I don’t want to be like this. but it keeps over flowing with anger. I tried to overcome it, but I can’t. I could pretend in front of people that I’m happy, but really I feel something is broken. May be time heal all, but come on. can it go any faster? I got things to do. Plan to build. I wish I can just control it. change it. This sub conscious is driving me crazy.

Craniodiaphyseal dysplasia (also known as CDD or lionitis) is an extremely rare autosomal recessive bone disorder that causes calcium to build up in the skull, disfiguring the facial features and reducing life expectancy. These calcium deposits decrease the size of cranial foramina, and can also decrease the hole in the cervical spinal canal. In the few cases recorded, most of the sufferers died in childhood.

Diagnosis Among the medical signs are dacryocystitis, seizures, mental retardation, and paralysis, each of which is a complication resulting from the diminutive foramina. A common sign reported as a result of the disease has been a difference of the size of the eyes, having one usually bigger in size then the other.

A teratoma is a type of neoplasm. The word teratoma comes from Greek and means roughly "monstrous tumor". Definitive diagnosis of a teratoma is based on its histology: a teratoma is a tumor with tissue or organ components resembling normal derivatives of all three germ layers. Rarely, not all three germ layers are identifiable. The tissues of a teratoma, although normal in themselves, may be quite different from surrounding tissues, and may be highly inappropriate, even grotesque (hence the monstrous): teratomas have been reported to contain hair, teeth, bone and very rarely more complex organs such as eyeball, torso, and hand. Usually, however, a teratoma will contain no organs but rather one or more tissues normally found in organs such as the brain, thyroid, liver, and lung.

Teratomas are thought to be present at birth, but often they are not diagnosed until much later in life.

I continuously hoping for something at the end a better something, a better future, but at the end it’s just a hope. If I don’t do anything to realize those hopes, I’m just going to hope and nothing is going to happen. I guess that is what I thought. If I stop hoping then I will be a very very depressed man. I guess hoping is always better than not. May be I have opened a pandoras box. All is lost, and then there is hope. and I continue to rely on those hopes. that may be God will hear it. Frankly I’m really tired of hoping. Hoping for a better future, better life. I’m a human after all. I guess this is me and my emotional imbalances.

People can only be as strong. There are times when we cry and when we are sad. may be today is one of those day. I think being sad is not wrong. I don’t think there is anything wrong with being sad. But don’t let sadness dwell within our heart. Be sad today and then be happy tomorrow. My life is not perfect and I’m not a perfect person. Nobody is. There are times I feel like I wanted to die. But what do we achieve by that? So instead dwell in the promises of God within our heart. Think of the good thing in our lives. and Maybe it will help ease the pain a bit.